Showing posts with label Jersey Shore. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jersey Shore. Show all posts

3.09.2010

There Is A Difference Between Eating 'Healthy' And Eating 'Clean' ....If You're A Guido

This morning Hank Muscles and I had a rather interesting conversation about nutrition.  However, the primary focus of the conversation was how best to lose winter weight gain by summer.  When I mentioned to HM that I wanted to lose the weight I gained since last summer for this upcoming summer, his first question was
"Are you eating clean?"
I told him that I eat healthy.  HM then explained to me that eating clean and healthy are different; 'healthy' is eating healthy food while 'clean' is eating the right foods at the right time.

Read on to learn about the highly coveted never before shared Guido Diet Plan, courtesy of Hank Muscles. 

***Foods***

Carbohydrates and Sugars - These should only be eaten before noon and immediately before a workout for energy.

Cottage Cheese - This can be eaten right before bed because it is a very 'clean' food.  It is a slow digesting protein that actually forces your metabolism to burn through the night.  Essentially, according to HM, you lose more weight eating 1/2 a cup of CC  right before bed as opposed to eating nothing before bed.

Whole Wheat Pasta - Very healthy, but if eaten after 8pm the carbohydrates will be stored as fat while you are sleeping and your metabolism is shut down.  So if you like WWP it is better to have it with veggies for lunch than for dinner.

***Other Weight Loss Tricks***

1. HM says you should cover your meals in lemon juice or cayenne pepper because they help suppress your appetite. 
"natural appetite suppressant- now that doesn't mean u wont get hunger pangs, but it will reduce them. i make all my ckn covered in cayenne pepper...tastes like shit, but makes me think im full off of a 6oz ckn breast and 1 cup of broccoli"

2. According to HM you should also eat the minute you wake up. This is
"bc as u sleep ur body turns catabolic, so its hording fat and burning muscle to keep u alive while u sleep. so u need to eat as soon as u wake up to turn ur body from catabolic to anabolic.  meaning, have it start burning fat stores and food instead of ur muscle"  

3. HM says if you work out before eating anything you will actually be burning muscle instead of fat because there is not food in your stomach.  So if you like to work out in the morning you should
"drink some protein or eat something right b4 u leave, eat a hardbolied egg, or have a bowl of oatmeal and then run. ull burn more fat that way believe it or not. eating right after is great too, bc ur metabolism skyrockets, so whatever u eat will get burned quick".

4. Expect to lose 1-2 lbs of fat per week -
"the human liver can only process between 1-2 lbs of fat a week (i forget the exact figures) so if ur knocking off 5 lbs a week, it a mix of water, fat and muscle once all the water weights gone, then its just majority muscle"

5. Don't eat after 8pm.
"the general rule is to stop eating 3-4 hours b4 bed. girls have it easy tho u can just run and lose everything and not care. guys haveta tweak it a bit more, bc we need to lose fat and preserve muscle...i could easily drop 30 lbs in 3 months...but then ill be a scrawny twig".


So basically if you look like this, a fat guy in a little coat, now:
But want to look like The Situation by summer:

Then you should definitely follow Hank Muscles's diet plan.

A typical day in the life of Hank Muscles:
Breakfast: 2 scoops whey protein mixed with water
Mid Morning Snack (10:15): 1 can tuna straight out of the can & 1 cup brown rice
Lunch (12:30): 2 scoops whey protein mixed with 1 cup 1% milk
Gym Session (1:00): "Quick Cardio Sesh" according to HM's GChat status.
After Gym Snack (2:30):  12 Almonds
Mid Afternoon Snack (4:30): 6oz grilled chicken and 1 cup broccoli
Gym Session (5:30)
After Gym Snack: 2 scoops protein
Dinner: half cup cottage cheese and some sliced deli turkey

 
Boys and girls, you better get on it, only 3 months until summer!!!!  

3.04.2010

My Friend The Guido

My friend, Hank Muscles, is a Guido. Or, at the very least, a Guido during the summer months where he fist pumps on a regular basis at a rented house on the Jersey Shore. What I have come to learn is that some Guidos take a break from the heavy demands of their religion during the winter months and now that it is March, and summer is fast approaching, they begin to get back into action, and HM is in full force. He is both mentally and physically preparing for the upcoming summer. It is very important that he drop 12 pounds of fat before then and replace it with as many pounds of muscle as possible.

HM and I were the best of friends in college (this Guido side of him was not as obvious then). Our friendship took a short hiatus and now that we speak again I noticed that he has completely transformed into a full fledged Guido. Due to our hiatus I can not pinpoint exactly when this transformation occurred, but, because of him and his friends, I am beginning to become fascinated with the Guido lifestyle. I just can't get enough!! This is similar to my fascination with Polygamists and the Amish, but those are topics for an entirely different post.
Yesterday HM said
"damn rain fucking up my hair and shit"
- I responded
"No, you didn't just say that!"
Then around lunch time he says,
"tuna and brown rice, must be summertime"
And just now
"I just turned down a girl scout cookie...i hate summer time..."
It's this strength that is most admirable about Guidos.  You think I would ever turn down a girl scout cookie? This morning HM tried to tell me he was kind of 'metrosexual.'  Guidos are not 'metrosexual' though, they are on a completely different playing field.  While both groups tend to spend more time getting ready than I do and probably have nicer looking eyebrows than me as well, Guidos are much more about the gym, tanning and wearing graphic t's and 'metrosexual's are more about expensive clothing and dressing exactly how male models do in the latest fashion magazines, fedoras, skinny ties, etc. As I digress. Anyways back to HM..

HM fell in love at the Jersey Shore - Strike 1. I never met this girl, but from what I hear she was by no means good enough or classy enough for my Hank Muscles.  Lets call this girl Trash Bag.  TB was your stereotypical Jersey Shore girl.  From what I gather she was not very cool and not very fun to be around.  I mean she's 26 years old and still wears Roxy. I am not even sure if they sold Roxy where I am from...JK.  She also is abrasive and has a potty mouth.  HM is an amazing guy, if you can look past the Guido exterior (I'm just kidding Hank, the Guido exterior is perfect...perfectly sculpted wink wink).  But, he let TB get completely inside his head - Strike 2.  He was an amazing boyfriend and she totally sucked.  Strike 3 - he didn't dump her ass when advised to by all of his friends, and she left him first.  He was sad for a short time, but now HM is so over her and totally focused on getting ready for summer.  He is gelling his hair and going to the gym and eating all the right foods.  So ladies, and I mean all of you, because only classy girls read my blog, if you are interested in HM please feel free to let me know. 

I will keep you updated with HM and his progress of transforming from winter Guido to summer time Guido. And this summer I plan to have much more postings about the Guido religion because I will be making my second appearance ever at the Jersey Shore.  The first experience resulted in a fight at Seaside Heights, but HM and his friends assured me I will have an amazing time.

I know that I will need to buy some new clothes because my current style is not appropriate for the masses that I will be with.  HM is going to teach me how to fist pump, imagine a SPAZ like me trying to fist pump? I can barely walk in a straight line.  After that, all I will need is a nickname of my very own.  I kind of like LWoww, but I think Jenny may get mad at me for stealing her idea, and we can't have that happening...