Miami - Where Everyone Is A Baller, Drinks Cost $18 And Apparently I Am More VIP Than I Am In New York

I went to Miami for vacation with my best friend TunaTuna is a third grade teacher and wanted to get away for her spring break.  I am always looking to get away, so I jumped at the chance to go to Miami.  We spent our first night with one of my friends EM who recently moved down there with her fiance SD. They had a pregame in their 2 bedroom 3 bathroom apartment with views of the ocean.  Upon seeing her very first apartment in Miami, Tuna exclaimed,
People are ballers in Miami.  I am jealous.

My friends took us to eat at a restaurant near their building called Kitchen 305 where we had all you can eat stone crabs and ladies were able to drink for free. SD is an amazing fiance and he and his friend bought Tuna and I our dinner. Thank you AGAIN! I love you.  I then had the amazing opportunity to see where they were getting married and it was absolutely beautiful.  Tuna and I drunkenly found our way back to the hotel to meet her friends who finally arrived and after rubbing it in their faces about the all you can drink and eat night we had. We decided to figure out plans for the rest vacation. AKA me telling them about all the other friends that I needed to see while we were down there...ha.

Thursday night began with dinner at Prime 112, thank you Papa Dukes for paying ;).  We arrived a little early for our reservation and found a nice area by the bar to wait at.  Here Amy and Leigh made friends with some guys who ended up buying us a round of drinks during our dinner and I managed to befriend a 45 year old.  He basically told me that he wanted me to be his 3rd ex-wife and then bought me a French Martini.  Thank you very much, Sir.
After a feast of oysters, lobster, crab cakes, filet mignon, short ribs and fondue we went to check out the nearby clubs.  First stop was to be Wall at the W.  Upon entering this guy, Eduardo, asks me for a hug. I willingly oblige as he was kind of cute and scored myself a free drink. This was lucky for me because the girls each had to pay $18 for one. Effing crazy!!  We chilled at Wall for a little then went to Louis at the Gansevoort for some more partying and then back home to get up early and soak up some Vitamin D.

On Friday night after a delicious dinner at Barton G - Tuna and I get picked up by my friend Golden Nugget in his black Corvette.  The two of us girls squish together in the front and off we go to GN's apartment where Tuna sees her 2nd Miami apartment and is truly amazed by how far the dollar goes down there versus NYC. Aside from the hallway/lobby looking like a hotel and the apartment itself being large, GN's view from his living room over looks the ocean and a gorgeous marina.
While pregaming with NUVO (awesome) Tuna gets a BBM from one of the other girls saying they were going to check out The Florida Room at the Delano Hotel.  Tuna reads this aloud and says in a nasal tone of voice,
The girls are at the De-Laaaaaaaaaa-No
GN immediately starts to laugh as do his two friends and says
"OMG you ARE definitely from New Jersey." 
Tuna then tells GN about the other plans the girls' have in store for the rest of the night and mentions the names of two other Miami bars. GN, who had just told us that the clubs we we went to the night before were amateur and that he was going to show us a really good time tonight, said that if he can name 50 places to go out, the two Tuna just named wouldn't even make the list.

Golden Nugget then proceeds to call the front desk at his apartment building to request a cab and off we go for a non-amateur night in Miami.

After a cab ride from the only female non-Cuban driver who denied our friend MJ her number, we walked into the beautiful Fontainebleau Hotel.  In the words of Momo:
The Fontainebleau is like a city - and I want to be the Mayor

GN walked us right up to the front of the line, passed the bouncers, passed the window where one would pay a cover charge and headed straight to the back of the club to the Center Tables. Supposedly the best seats in the house. Here is a view of the club from the center tables..

Tuna and I danced the night away, well she danced and I sorta did my shimmy.  We decided it was time to leave when a random guy not only tried to dance with me but requested that he have his picture taken with me and asked Tuna to take at least 4 shots of us with his cell phone.  We then went to meet up with Momo and Brian Boitano at Louis in the Gansevoort Hotel.  We topped off our night with some shots and went back to our hotel for some shut eye. 

I spent most of the day on Saturday with my Uncle D. He lives in Fort Lauderdale and was in Miami for the Gay Pride Parade.  I mention this because it was such a weird experience to be surrounded by hundreds, literally hundreds, of hot shirtless men and have not one of them be interested in me.

Saturday night meant dinner at Joe's Stone Crab and Round Two at LIV. Tuna and I successfully convinced the other two girls to join us at LIV since our description from the night before could not be done justice without an actual visit.  We were VIP again of course.  This time we had the pleasure of being invited to two separate tables. One by my friend Adam who was attending a Bachelor Party and the other by Momo who was attending a Bachelorette Party.  Only Tuna managed to avoid the cover charge this time though, she managed to sneak on by and run downstairs while I had to pay $20.  I'll take it considering I did not spend another dollar the rest of the night.  The Bachelor Party was a lot of fun, Adam provided us with non-stop drinks and his friends provided us with non-stop laughs via post-it notes that said things like:
The Blue Post-It's are for the girls we really like
I like when they turn on the lights because I can see how pretty you are
The night consisted of alot of dancing (even I did) and drinking Jack straight from the bottle (I think only I did) and lots of crazy shenanigans. I woke up in my bed at the hotel half way in my pajamas with a half of a snickers bar next to me and a bottle of water.  Apparently the girls ordered themselves room service, all I wanted was a chocolate bar...shocking.

The next day of course was misery.  Tuna and I wandered around Lincoln Road until it was time to board the plane.  We were hungover and miserable yet relaxed and so happy we went.

So good-bye Miami and thank you for confirming that I am getting old and its getting harder and harder to party like a rockstar.
But I will be back.  Because in 25 years we will be celebrating Tuna's 50th Birthday with dinner at Barton G and an after party at LIV. Where us MILFs will be dressed to impress in Hot Pink mini dresses and lots of diamonds and Tuna will be jealous because my boobs will still be in the same place they are today. HA. HA. HA.


My Hero Blogs About Her Hot Pocket - For Obvious Reasons This Needed To Be Censored!!

Wild Child is my hero.  She and I met freshman year of college when we pledged the same sorority and have since become each others girl crush great friends.  We share a passion for living life to the fullest, being surrounded by crazy good people and we both have yellow auras.  

WC has a blog that is extremely raunchy very entertaining and is verging on being "X Rated" slightly ill-suited for the little ones. Whereas mine sits comfortably, and will remain, in the "pg-13" zone.  WC tells stories about her drunken party-girl lifestyle in Rhode Island and the lives of her equally drunken crazy/cool friends.  She does things like refer to her va-jayjay lady parts as "Hot Pocket" or the very inappropriate my favorite "Lower Manhattan." There have been posts about "dinner and dildo dates" girls' nights out and sexcapades good times with good friends. BUT! The very best thing about her blog is that Yours Truly makes a lot but not enough (in my opinion) frequent appearances.

In order to get WC to stop asking level the playing field with regards to telling our readers how great we are posting about each other. I have decided to share one of her many more recent hooking up guy stories.

Wild Child met a hot piece of ass nice young Rhode Island dude at a bar through a mutual friend.  Words were exchanged and finally BBM Barcodes were scanned and sexting witty banter led to plans to meet up the very next night.  That night, Wild Child and her new Flavor Of The Week friend are participating in some heavy petting friendly conversation when their eyes get diverted to the bathroom door.   WC says, "If we were dating right now...." and FOTW finishes her thought with "we would have sex hang out in the bathroom?" Wild Child smiled at the fact that this guy was right there with her very sexual/kinky thought process and then she became completely obsessed even more excited when he said "We will, in about 8 months."

Updates of their blossoming sexual relationship friendship will definitely be shared.  I can not wait to hear more.

I just told Wild Child that I think this post about her is my best work yet.  She replies:

I'm wet just thinking about it. Ha.

Hank's Arm. Poor Hank.

photo taken by the pretty Lauren Sfayer :)

Evidently Guidos Are Spazzy Too

Whenever I am in need of a laugh I can always rely on Hank Muscles to tell me a good Guido story. Whether it be about his hair not looking exactly how he wants it or that he ate really badly the day before. Or my all time favorite - something along the lines of his muscles just not being where they should be considering we are already a week into April and summer is just around the corner.

Today's story out did any other.  I literally almost peed my pants.

Everyone does weird shit when they are alone. I am sure of that.  But I think HM might have us all beat.  Basically, Hank Muscles likes to practice his fist pumping Jersey Shore style crazy ass mofo dance moves in the shower.  But last Thursday, things went terribly wrong.

Here is the scene. HM is in the shower and Cascada's "Evacuate The Dance Floor" is blaring on the radio. The beat starts building and HM is loving the music and is not only fist pumping in the shower - but has starting doing really awesome spin moves. 
Like figure skater legit spin moves. - HM
Hank Muscles completely lost himself in the music and spun off the safety mat and landed not very gracefully on the side of the tub.  His elbows are completely bruised and they still hurt.  I was promised pictures. Get on that HM!!! GRRR!

Poor HM has a cut on his right elbow and a welt on his left forearm.  I didn't know if I should laugh or feel bad. So obviously I laughed at him and requested to blog about it.

The scenario wasn't so funny for Hank in the moment.  He laid on his back in the tub staring at the ceiling for about 15 minutes just feeling humiliated and "utterly defeated." 

And the worst part...I came down with a thunderous crash, probably shook the whole house, [because of his huge muscles mass] and none of my roommates even came in my room to make sure i didn't fall in the shower or something.  But I'm glad they didn't as I would have had to explain why Cascada was blaring and why I was laying on my back in the bathtub - HM
 Nice friends you got there Hank.

Next time you try out new dance moves.  Try and do it on a dry surface. SPAZ. I don't need to start worrying about YOU hurting yourself.  You're supposed to be the one who worries about me!!!


Attack Of The Pigeons!!

Springtime is the time of year when flowers start to bloom, trees start to turn green again and animals give birth. If you live in the suburbs than you have an abundance of adorable little critters running around. But, if you live in New York City than you are very blessed with an abundance of  baby pigeons, rats and squirrels. For the purpose of this story, I am going to focus on the most beautiful of all birds - THE PIGEON.
These creatures hang out in New York City, shit everywhere and most recently have decided to chill outside of my roommate Eve's (thanks Sabotage for helping me with the nickname) window. Eve is a vegetarian and very much against the harming of animals but she is getting annoyed because the pigeons are waking her up very early in the morning everyday. She has been placing numerous calls to our Super and to the Super's assistant for some time now and they have gone unanswered until this past Monday.  According to the S.A. I'm An Idiot, Eve has a pigeon's nest under her air-conditioner.  She asked IAI if it can be removed.  Something apparently got lost in translation because the nest is still there and poor Eve keeps being woken up at 6:30am by the chirping, squealing and fluttering of disgusting pigeons. 

As she is telling this story, almost on the verge of tears from being so effing pissed off, I have the ingenious idea to go to our courtyard and throw stones at the nest until it falls. PROBLEM SOLVED.  Of course I can not be the one to throw the stones. Not that I am against hurting the pigeons (sorry PETA people) but because I am a SPAZ and I am afraid I might break a window or something (that is if I can even throw the stone that high or far). Eve wasn't cool with that idea until yesterday.  She really just can't take it anymore!

Sabatoge offered two ideas that don't involve the harming of the pigeons. #1 - we should get one of those fake owl things to scare them away. #2 - Eve should tell the Super she has some kind of crazy allergy towards all kinds of birds and their poop.

If those don't work - I vote for stone throwing.

The way I feel about killing animals is similar to the way Kelly Bensimon feels about fur.

“PETA isn’t saying, ‘Don’t wear fur.’ PETA is saying, ‘Don’t abuse animals.’ And I’m not abusing animals. I’m just wearing fur … Do I wear fur? Yes. Do I support the abuse of animals? No.” 
As dumb as she sounds, I kind of understand it.  I don't want to hurt animals.  I am not a vegetarian by any standards nor am I kosher because I absolutely love the taste of bacon.  But I won't eat veal because I am very much against the torture of the poor little cows.  AND I have absolutely NO problem throwing stones at a pigeon's nest so my roommate can get some sleep!!

Do any of you have any ideas how to get rid of the pigeons? Any volunteers to throw stones?  Eve's boyfriend Adam is away for a few more days and desperate times call for desperate measures!!!

I'll keep you posted on what happens. If this matter doesn't get solved by the weekend I may have to attempt to throw the stones myself.  A video will definitely be included for your enjoyment.