Miami - Where Everyone Is A Baller, Drinks Cost $18 And Apparently I Am More VIP Than I Am In New York

I went to Miami for vacation with my best friend Tuna.  Tuna is a third grade teacher and wanted to get away for her spring break.  I am always looking to get away, so I jumped at the chance to go to Miami.  We spent our first night with one of my friends EM who recently moved down there with her fiance SD. They had a pregame in their 2 bedroom 3 bathroom apartment with views of the ocean.  Upon seeing her very first apartment in Miami, Tuna exclaimed,

People are ballers in Miami.  I am jealous.

My friends took us to eat at a restaurant near their building called Kitchen 305 where we had all you can eat stone crabs and ladies were able to drink for free. SD is an amazing fiance and he and his friend bought Tuna and I our dinner. Thank you AGAIN! I love you.  I then had the amazing opportunity to see where they were getting married and it was absolutely beautiful.  Tuna and I drunkenly found our way back to the hotel to meet her friends who finally arrived and after rubbing it in their faces about the all you can drink and eat night we had. We decided to figure out plans for the rest vacation. AKA me telling them about all the other friends that I needed to see while we were down there...ha.

Thursday night began with dinner at Prime 112, thank you Papa Dukes for paying ;).  We arrived a little early for our reservation and found a nice area by the bar to wait at.  Here Amy and Leigh made friends with some guys who ended up buying us a round of drinks during our dinner and I managed to befriend a 45 year old.  He basically told me that he wanted me to be his 3rd ex-wife and then bought me a French Martini.  Thank you very much, Sir.
After a feast of oysters, lobster, crab cakes, filet mignon, short ribs and fondue we went to check out the nearby clubs.  First stop was to be Wall at the W.  Upon entering this guy, Eduardo, asks me for a hug. I willingly oblige as he was kind of cute and scored myself a free drink. This was lucky for me because the girls each had to pay $18 for one. Effing crazy!!  We chilled at Wall for a little then went to Louis at the Gansevoort for some more partying and then back home to get up early and soak up some Vitamin D.

On Friday night after a delicious dinner at Barton G - Tuna and I get picked up by my friend Golden Nugget in his black Corvette.  The two of us girls squish together in the front and off we go to GN's apartment where Tuna sees her 2nd Miami apartment and is truly amazed by how far the dollar goes down there versus NYC. Aside from the hallway/lobby looking like a hotel and the apartment itself being large, GN's view from his living room over looks the ocean and a gorgeous marina.
While pregaming with NUVO (awesome) Tuna gets a BBM from one of the other girls saying they were going to check out The Florida Room at the Delano Hotel.  Tuna reads this aloud and says in a nasal tone of voice,

The girls are at the De-Laaaaaaaaaa-No

GN immediately starts to laugh as do his two friends and says

"OMG you ARE definitely from New Jersey." 

Tuna then tells GN about the other plans the girls' have in store for the rest of the night and mentions the names of two other Miami bars. GN, who had just told us that the clubs we we went to the night before were amateur and that he was going to show us a really good time tonight, said that if he can name 50 places to go out, the two Tuna just named wouldn't even make the list.

Golden Nugget then proceeds to call the front desk at his apartment building to request a cab and off we go for a non-amateur night in Miami.

After a cab ride from the only female non-Cuban driver who denied our friend MJ her number, we walked into the beautiful Fontainebleau Hotel.  In the words of Momo:

The Fontainebleau is like a city - and I want to be the Mayor

GN walked us right up to the front of the line, passed the bouncers, passed the window where one would pay a cover charge and headed straight to the back of the club to the Center Tables. Supposedly the best seats in the house. Here is a view of the club from the center tables..

Tuna and I danced the night away, well she danced and I sorta did my shimmy.  We decided it was time to leave when a random guy not only tried to dance with me but requested that he have his picture taken with me and asked Tuna to take at least 4 shots of us with his cell phone.  We then went to meet up with Momo and Brian Boitano at Louis in the Gansevoort Hotel.  We topped off our night with some shots and went back to our hotel for some shut eye. 

I spent most of the day on Saturday with my Uncle D. He lives in Fort Lauderdale and was in Miami for the Gay Pride Parade.  I mention this because it was such a weird experience to be surrounded by hundreds, literally hundreds, of hot shirtless men and have not one of them be interested in me.

Saturday night meant dinner at Joe's Stone Crab and Round Two at LIV. Tuna and I successfully convinced the other two girls to join us at LIV since our description from the night before could not be done justice without an actual visit.  We were VIP again of course.  This time we had the pleasure of being invited to two separate tables. One by my friend Adam who was attending a Bachelor Party and the other by Momo who was attending a Bachelorette Party.  Only Tuna managed to avoid the cover charge this time though, she managed to sneak on by and run downstairs while I had to pay $20.  I'll take it considering I did not spend another dollar the rest of the night.  The Bachelor Party was a lot of fun, Adam provided us with non-stop drinks and his friends provided us with non-stop laughs via post-it notes that said things like:

The Blue Post-It's are for the girls we really like

and

I like when they turn on the lights because I can see how pretty you are

The night consisted of alot of dancing (even I did) and drinking Jack straight from the bottle (I think only I did) and lots of crazy shenanigans. I woke up in my bed at the hotel half way in my pajamas with a half of a snickers bar next to me and a bottle of water.  Apparently the girls ordered themselves room service, all I wanted was a chocolate bar...shocking.

The next day of course was misery.  Tuna and I wandered around Lincoln Road until it was time to board the plane.  We were hungover and miserable yet relaxed and so happy we went.
So good-bye Miami and thank you for confirming that I am getting old and its getting harder and harder to party like a rockstar.
But I will be back.  Because in 25 years we will be celebrating Tuna's 50th Birthday with dinner at Barton G and an after party at LIV. Where us MILFs will be dressed to impress in Hot Pink mini dresses and lots of diamonds and Tuna will be jealous because my boobs will still be in the same place they are today. HA. HA. HA.