The Guy Who Lives Above Me Is A Trapeze Instructor...That Explains A LOT

Momo and I went to a show at Webster Hall to see an old friend of mine's band perform.  Show was awesome - great music and a great time.  After their set, Momo asks where the backstage is.  The Webster Hall employee looks at her and says "It's behind the stage." Like, duh! thanks bitchy employee.  We found the backstage hung out with the band and the random cat that was back there, which hit Momo when she tried to pet it, until both of our cell phones died.  While leaving Webster Hall we were yelled at by the bouncers who said, "if you leave, you can't come back!!"  And then I got grilled as to where I was headed - they didn't believe me that I lived at "116 Webster Hall Street."
Momo and I head to my apartment where we take turns charging our phones through my computer because obviously Parker ate my cell phone charger.
.....yadda yadaa yadaa....
At the end of the night we go to Old Balls' apartment.  OB just turned 30 and I was meeting him for the very first time.  Lots of chit chat is had and I find out OB used to be a comedian and a battle of humor ensues.  He learned that I can not ride a bicycle, ice skate and that I am afraid of fish.  I learned from him that the majority of women would prefer a guy with a big dick to a guy who was good at math; but those same women would choose a guy who was funny over one with a big dick.  Were you trying to imply something comedian OB?  Ooohhh Snaap! +1 ME! The rest of the night goes smoothly and it's time to leave - what do I do? I realize I left my keys in OB's apartment.  No, it wasn't an excuse to go back up there.  Okay, fine it was.  I mean, no, it wasn't.

I get to my front steps and I see my upstairs neighbor talking with 2 police officers and I'm like umm, what's going on here?  (I was tempted to do it in the Terrance and Phillip voice from the song in Asses of Fire - SAL that was for you!!)  My neighbor, who is gay and very flamboyant, was sooo happy to see me. He said in a very fast manner,
"Oh thank you! I was locked out. Soooo embarassing! I had to ask these nice policemen to help me inside.  I just had a midnight McDonald's craving and neeeeeded to go out! So I sat locked out eating cheeseburgers and drinking beer while trying to convince the police officers that it would be okay for me to scale the apartment building because I'm a trapeze instructor"
I told him I didn't realize trapeze instructors scale apartment buildings and that I thought that was a job for Spiderman, but what do I know??  We said goodbye and good night at my floor. He thanked me again and told me I was so cute especially when I asked what was going on.
Under normal circumstances this guy would be my new best friend and I would ask for trapeze lessons (something I'm going to assume I would not be very good at it).  I mean he's gay, fabulous, lives in my building and he just complimented me.  But let me tell you a little something about Upstairs Guy.

Every night between 11:45pm and 12:15am UG has sex.  Crazy sex.  It's so crazy that not only do I hear the noises but my bed actually shakes.  Now, not only do I know it's gay sex (which I have absolutely no problem with, it just adds to the image) but I learned that one of the participants is a trapeze instructor who really thinks he's capable of scaling walls.  I don't know whether to be scarred, amused or jealous.  I do know, however, that I can't compete and that's a little depressing...-1 ME. TEAR.

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