My Friend The Guido

My friend, Hank Muscles, is a Guido. Or, at the very least, a Guido during the summer months where he fist pumps on a regular basis at a rented house on the Jersey Shore. What I have come to learn is that some Guidos take a break from the heavy demands of their religion during the winter months and now that it is March, and summer is fast approaching, they begin to get back into action, and HM is in full force. He is both mentally and physically preparing for the upcoming summer. It is very important that he drop 12 pounds of fat before then and replace it with as many pounds of muscle as possible.

HM and I were the best of friends in college (this Guido side of him was not as obvious then). Our friendship took a short hiatus and now that we speak again I noticed that he has completely transformed into a full fledged Guido. Due to our hiatus I can not pinpoint exactly when this transformation occurred, but, because of him and his friends, I am beginning to become fascinated with the Guido lifestyle. I just can't get enough!! This is similar to my fascination with Polygamists and the Amish, but those are topics for an entirely different post.
Yesterday HM said

"damn rain fucking up my hair and shit"

- I responded

"No, you didn't just say that!"

Then around lunch time he says,

"tuna and brown rice, must be summertime"

And just now

"I just turned down a girl scout cookie...i hate summer time..."

It's this strength that is most admirable about Guidos.  You think I would ever turn down a girl scout cookie? This morning HM tried to tell me he was kind of 'metrosexual.'  Guidos are not 'metrosexual' though, they are on a completely different playing field.  While both groups tend to spend more time getting ready than I do and probably have nicer looking eyebrows than me as well, Guidos are much more about the gym, tanning and wearing graphic t's and 'metrosexual's are more about expensive clothing and dressing exactly how male models do in the latest fashion magazines, fedoras, skinny ties, etc. As I digress. Anyways back to HM..

HM fell in love at the Jersey Shore - Strike 1. I never met this girl, but from what I hear she was by no means good enough or classy enough for my Hank Muscles.  Lets call this girl Trash Bag.  TB was your stereotypical Jersey Shore girl.  From what I gather she was not very cool and not very fun to be around.  I mean she's 26 years old and still wears Roxy. I am not even sure if they sold Roxy where I am from...JK.  She also is abrasive and has a potty mouth.  HM is an amazing guy, if you can look past the Guido exterior (I'm just kidding Hank, the Guido exterior is perfect...perfectly sculpted wink wink).  But, he let TB get completely inside his head - Strike 2.  He was an amazing boyfriend and she totally sucked.  Strike 3 - he didn't dump her ass when advised to by all of his friends, and she left him first.  He was sad for a short time, but now HM is so over her and totally focused on getting ready for summer.  He is gelling his hair and going to the gym and eating all the right foods.  So ladies, and I mean all of you, because only classy girls read my blog, if you are interested in HM please feel free to let me know. 

I will keep you updated with HM and his progress of transforming from winter Guido to summer time Guido. And this summer I plan to have much more postings about the Guido religion because I will be making my second appearance ever at the Jersey Shore.  The first experience resulted in a fight at Seaside Heights, but HM and his friends assured me I will have an amazing time.

I know that I will need to buy some new clothes because my current style is not appropriate for the masses that I will be with.  HM is going to teach me how to fist pump, imagine a SPAZ like me trying to fist pump? I can barely walk in a straight line.  After that, all I will need is a nickname of my very own.  I kind of like LWoww, but I think Jenny may get mad at me for stealing her idea, and we can't have that happening...